Dear Miss Minchin,
Once again, I am sò sorry for jumping out of the window, landing on, and running off with the milkman. I’m sure by now you have found another dairy supplier and have cooled down sufficiently to read my letter without shredding it to pieces.
I know how you hate an all too effusive display of emotions, so I will try to stay as rational as my poor nerves permit me to: please accept this letter as a formal notification that I am resigning from my position as General Sidekick at Miss Minchin’s Seminary For Rich Girls Who Need To Learn French And Stay Out Of Their Parent’s Way, and do let me explain some of the reasons that pushed me towards a new career and general life path:
You must know that I had been feeling off my game for quite some time before I took my decision. The thing is, looking back dear sister, I think I have experienced a massive burnout. I was always too shy to confide in you, but dear Sara Crewe will confirm how I suffered regular hot flashes during my time at the school and often found myself out of breath for no apparent reason. My therapist here in Oklahoma says those were early signs, caused by a deep-rooted sense of unease. Why, you may ask?
Well first of all, I’m afraid my position at the school had become somewhat untenable. While you got to teach mathematics and dear Monsieur Dufarge was in charge of the French classes, my task seemed to consist merely of sniffing warm apple pies and getting bitten by that hysterical, tantrum-prone toddler Lottie. I couldn’t help but feel a bit useless, which fed my general malaise.
Also, I don’t think I’m good with kids after all. People may assume otherwise, as I am “The Good-Humored Portly Sister”, but truth be told I think children are downright fucking scary! I was greatly alarmed by the level of machiavellic cunning the students displayed during the entire “save Sara’s locket” operation, and by the demonic horror stories they told each other at night. I never told you this, but I peeked through the keyhole of Sara’s room once while they were at it, pretending I was a mouse (I think Becky might have seen me), too shocked to interfere. To this day, little three-headed girls with curling papers in their hair still haunt my nightmares. All that talk of poisoned crackers at breakfast din’t help ease my high level of chronic stress either, nor the fact that a young Camilla Belle was lurking around all the time and everybody pretended she wasn’t there. For all I know, she was a… ghost? Anyway, you shouldn’t worry about me too much though, as my work with dairy cows at the B&B Frances and I are now exploiting has a therapeutic effect, but do understand my mental health was at risk every day in that madhouse.
Also, I couldn’t take living in that green universe of yours any longer. I said nothing regarding your choice of color for our school’s walls – after all, green does have a calming effect on young minds- but did you really have to extend that line to the girl’s uniforms, schoolbooks, interior design, birthday balloons and, the coup de grace, even my work dress? It may have fitted your devilishly dark hairdo, but I am a ginger and we just don’t do well in a leafy palette. I feel like all this green has been holding me back and prohibited me from following the true path of a Venetian blonde bombshell around the 1910s -which is embarking on a doomed ship, meeting a breathtakingly beautiful but penniless boy, getting portrayed stark naked and running off with nothing but a legendary blue diamond in my pocket in the end.
Don’t get me wrong, I hold no grudges as it is not in my character to do so –for real, look me up on Google and my character description says “good-humored, but weak sister of the main antagonist”, but I hope you now understand why I did have to take that leap –literally. And the good news is; I dìd meet my penniless, breathtakingly beautiful boy: Frances -who by the way made a full recovery after getting crushed by me and my trousseau de voyage– says hi, but is too terrified of you to engage in all further conversation.
Anyway, it’s time for me to say my goodbyes. Thank you for all the opportunities you gave me, I wish you all the best as I am closing this door and want you to know that you are in my heart, but my heart must go on…