That dress, those boots, that headband; Tiger Lily is the suede-clad influencer of dreams! Also, she is a princess in the real sense of the word: with the ‘pr’ of ‘proud’, not letting anything –not even a near drowning experience- disturb her natural air of superiority and cool. That, and her dad owns a glamping lodge where he throws the wildest parties. Let’s not beat around the bush any longer: I want to be friends with her.
Speaking about friends, I wouldn’t mind getting invited to Nakoma’s next birthday party either, as I’m sure Pocahontas’ midrif bearing wing woman would host a very Pinterest worthy, booze-induzed high tea in the middle of a cornfield. She would of course have a hair stylist come over to give a workshop on how to get that amazing half-updo of hers, followed by a tattoo session led by her hot and secretly gay friend Kokoum, and finish the whole thing off with a sexy drinking game.
After which she would kayak everybody back home safely, as she has proven time and times again to be a very responsible individual, never taking any risk when it comes to her friends’ safety.
Madame Adelaide Bonfamille
Karl Lagerfeld has got nothing on Madame Adelaide Bonfamille, who owned a snobby white cat called Duchesse long before there was ever a mention of Choupette, and even included said feline and its offspring in her will. “Madame”, who used to be a celebrated opera singer back in the days, dances to the sound of an ancient gramophone, exhibiting a slightly scandalous dehanché that suggests a frivolous past, makes her horse wear a flowered hat, wears the best sleeping bonnet in the history of sleeping bonnets, flirts with her notary and gets to cuddle kittens on her way to basically everywhere, sitting in her flowered-hat-wearing-horsedrown carriage. I want to be Madame when I grow up.
The Mean Girls from Agrabah
Oh my god, there’s a Kardashian cameo in Aladdin! From their hooped earrings to their ever exposed curves, and even their overly present mom: the mean girls from Agrabah are practically the cartoon ancestors of Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. Even the fact they only start noticing needy Aladdin àfter he literally shows them how many followers he has during thàt epic Prince Ali parade, echoes the interests of our all-time favorite sisters. Bible.
Blue Fairy Pinochio
Is it just me, or does everybody want a hug from this sparkling blonde lady?
“I’m not a regular mom, I’m a cool Mom. My face looks exactly the same as my 16-year-old daughter’s and I bet you that hug I gave her felt rock-hard due to my recently reconstructed chest.”
Grandmother Fa has little to no regard for traffic regulation nor social rules, causing a dramatic pile-up on Matchmaking Day and openly flirting with her granddaughter’s love interest when he shows up at her door. I kind of love her for it. Also, she gifts jewelry as if it were candy, offering Mulan a pendant for balance, an apple for serenity (ok, we could have done without that one) and jade beads for beauty. She cool.
I love how Ariel’s sisters made an entire song to introduce themselves, as if they had a premonition about the fact that they were going to be forgotten by basically anyone past ten minutes into the movie. Not only are Attina, Alana, Adella, Aquata, Arista and Andrina (please sing this in a high-pitched voice) super hands-on, they’re also very creative with shells and masters in synchronized swimming. It must have been cool to grow up in this fishy girl squad.
Here’s to the most athletic of all Disney characters: Lady Kluck plays badminton, out-rugbies a bunch of wild rhinos and joins a sweaty rave party in the middle of the woods, holding her own while partnering a huge bear called Little John. All that in a medieval blue dress that never creases. She is a true inspiration to chickens all over the world and I respect her for that.
Now that we are handing out medals, I would like to grant the award of Most Fascinating Womanchild to the little girl with the super long eyelashes who succeeded in luring Mowgli out of the jungle once and for all. She looks crazy in command, balancing a jar of water on her head while readjusting her ponytails and rendering a perfect version of My Own Home. Her mom must be really really reaaaaaally proud of her.